. . . how something strikes you, and you know you'll never be the same. It was so with me on the night the moon smiled at me. I thought how strange, and yet, exciting it was. A tickle started in my belly and came out in staggered breaths. It was almost a laugh, except the breath came from my nostrils; but it wasn't a snort because there was no voice to it. I wanted to keep my eyes on the moon no matter what, even while the car was moving. I tried to put my head down so I could see through the windshield and through the trees to the smiling moon above. Who knew that the Cheshire moon would visit me. It was hard to leave the night and return to indoor living.
. . . how even though I had already witnessed it, the smile on the second night was as moving as the first. I longed to capture the feelings: a warmth in my chest and a chill in my back. Still scanning the sky as the car once again took it's winding route home, I drank in the sight.
. . . that when a month has past and feelings have faded, they can rush back to you with one glance. The only thing different now was I wished to tell the world all about it so they could know my joy. A silly thing, my joy—joy at seeing an oddity.
. . . how even though I had already witnessed it, the smile on the second night was as moving as the first. I longed to capture the feelings: a warmth in my chest and a chill in my back. Still scanning the sky as the car once again took it's winding route home, I drank in the sight.
. . . that when a month has past and feelings have faded, they can rush back to you with one glance. The only thing different now was I wished to tell the world all about it so they could know my joy. A silly thing, my joy—joy at seeing an oddity.
So, as far as my critiquing your writing exercises goes, you'll have to take everything with a grain of salt because I don't read a whole lot of artsy, literary type fiction, which is more the feel I'm getting from your writing style. I'll have to read the posts above this one a couple more times before I can form a real opinion, I think. :)
ReplyDeleteBut I wanted to pop in on this one and say that I like the hint of personality in the first paragraph. Just the first couple sentences, really. there's a bit of quirk and character in your phrasing, or something, that seems to be missing from the other snippets I read. (Exercises 1-3, and the Sunday school character study . . . they just seemed more distant in tone. A bit less accessible.)
So, there. I guess I've commented briefly on a bunch of your samples at once. :) But I'll still come back later and give those other ones another look, to try to pin down my thoughts. :)
Thanks for the feedback. I will take all the feedback I can get and will not be offended.
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